About 3 months ago I partially tore my Achilles and went through excruciating pain. The process of being on a boot, crutches and painkillers was an unfamiliar road for me, but I “manned up” and got through it. Now, in my head when I got off the boot 3 weeks ago, I figured this is it — I can start running around and going to the gym again. Instead, my doctor signed me up for physical therapy for 3 months and showed me exercises to do at home. I was bummed and frustrated because I wanted to be done with this seemingly never ending process, but something clicked within me which made it easier.
Two years ago I was madly in love with someone but it quickly turned into something toxic. No matter how bad the fights or arguments got, both of us would find some stupid excuse to hold on. Maybe we were hoping that something would change so we didn’t fight, disagree, or find each other annoying. It soon became a vicious cycle because the same arguments happened, and truth be told at one point all respect for each other was gone. Due to many other reasons, our relationship slowly burned to the ground and I had to learn to live without my best friend. Now after everything turned south, I wanted to go running back to her because she was my home. I felt safe with her because she was the only person I’d ever clicked with, but I had to move forward.
I told myself to move on but everything was a constant reminder about the times we’d shared. Every place was linked to a memory, and hearing anything close to her voice or name would trigger a mini anxiety attack. In my mind the logical thing to do was just find someone else, which I did, but I didn’t give myself enough time to come to terms with my internal sadness. I kind of rushed through the sad part and jumped into the next best thing, and when the girl wanted something serious I would run — not because something was wrong with them, but because I was scared to go through that again. In my mind, I believed something would happen and I’d suffer all over again.
That was until my Achilles tendon tore and I realized that us humans also need “emotional therapy” for something devastating that happens. Even with my injury I pictured myself getting out of the boot and start running right that moment, but that’s not how things work. Whether it’s a break-up or a physical injury, it will take time. If you try to pick up where you left off you will only inflict more pain on yourself and unconsciously to someone else.
Her name popped back up on my phone after so long. My stomach did flips, my heart sank and my breathing became shallow. The one person who knew every aspect of my life was asking me “how I am doing”. My old love, best friend and someone who knew exactly “how I was doing” by the way I texted is now a stranger.
Today when she asked that I wanted to say so much but all I did was apologize if I ever did her wrong and she also apologized. It was way too formal but it needed to be done because my last conversation ended in a “fuck off”. My last memory of her was a few below the belt hits. I just wanted to change that so when in the future I look back I have this conversation too look at instead of the old ones.
The hardest thing in life is to face yourself because you have to come toe to toe with your own flaws and problems. Pointing fingers is the easy way out but once things ended I had no choice but to admit where I was wrong. Like any human I tried filling the voids through hanging out with friends, shopping or acting happy but that’s not how things work. If you are sad just get it out of your system and face the internal pain you have. My method was eating very unhealthy and doing reckless things but I soon realized that was really bad for me. Instead I woke up one morning and decided its time to workout and use this internal pain towards something positive.
When I first started working out I would use her name to bring out this rage within me to workout harder. As time went on and when the pain slowly left from within me I realized I have no reason to be mad at her. We were two amazing people who just grew apart due to various reasons and that’s perfectly fine. That doesn’t mean life stops or the world is against me. It simply means we have to work on ourselves and be the best version of ourselves before we love someone else.
While my heart raced to the sight of her name on my phone I texted her saying.
“I just want you to know I have no hard feelings, anger or things against you. In every prayer I pray for you to be happier even if it’s not with me:) “
After that small conversation with her I felt as if I was still in love because of how I was feeling on the inside but I realized something. Our story ended a while ago and it would be stupid of me to turn back a few pages and reread them. I already know where the story will lead me. Love is so much more than the heart racing or reminiscing on all the good times two people shared. I loved her at one point but this wasn’t love it was just an old attachment. I can finally say I broke that attachment today and didn’t go flipping through our story expecting a different outcome.
Break ups and heartbreaks are a sad part of life that we go through. No amount of advice makes it easier but here are a few small tips to make things a little easier.
- Of course see your family, friends and take part in your hobbies but spend time alone and figure out how you feel.
- Once you figure out your feelings you have to face your flaws and take steps to become a better individual.
- Forgive someone if they did you wrong and apologize if you did them wrong.
- Start working out because it helps you feel so much better mentally and physically
- Understand the difference between lust, love and attachment because it will come in handy for the next person that comes along.
- Go out, travel, have fun and don’t be scared to meet new people
- The Female population on earth is 6,895,889,018 and the male population is 3,477,829,638. I promise you will find someone who clicks with you on every level.