Guarded Fences

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“How long will you stand within a fenced area when you are able to see an open field as far as your eyes can see?”

After 2 years following my breakup from a long term relationship, I can finally say I am ready to meet new people and see where my vibe and energy takes me. I want to make a ton of friends and if somewhere along the line a friend becomes something more, I wouldn’t mind. Through these two years I have accepted my own flaws and worked on them to be a better person. The biggest thing I have come to realize is that my internal happiness will never be through another individual, and the amount of time I spend with them has no correlation with the strength of my relationship. One would think that accepting and improving your flaws is a plus. Then understanding the fundamentals of a healthy relationship is also a very important thing to understand, but lately I have been very confused.

I will become friends with someone then a month into it I will hear the cliche line, “sorry I am very guarded, I had a tough past” and as always I have to say “Oh it’s okay, I understand.” Truth be told I actually don’t understand and I am tired of people using that as a scapegoat to not open up. I get it, being vulnerable is tough because you literally are taking your armor off and letting someone you do not know into your life, but at some point you need to open up. The question is, how long will you talk about your favorite color?

The reality is we all have been fucked over in one way or another. The reality is we have had our heart broken and we’ve broken a few hearts, it’s life and it happens. So to use your past as a wall to keep people out could hurt you down the road. Good people and good things do not always come knocking on your door. It’s an opportunity you have to know that is rare and without you opening the fence up and walking out to take a look, you might miss out on it. If you don’t then you will have to watch from a distance at the flowers of the field you see start to blossom and look happier than you have been feeling.

You can either stay within your own fence and push everyone away that comes your way or you can be open to the idea of making new friends and seeing where it goes. The foundation of a healthy relationship is a solid friendship. Make your foundation strong, lower your walls a little, open up the gate to your fence and just walk out. Set yourself free from your own fences and I promise you, everyone around you will notice a new vibrant version of you.

The Blossom Effect

 

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“I blossomed before you and you stopped growing as a whole”

Mistakes of all forms happen and heartaches happen at different magnitudes, but Imagine hearing that from the person you were supposed to marry. I always remember telling her she is my sidekick, my day 1 and wife. We weren’t married and just had the title of boyfriend and girlfriend, but I wanted to do everything with her. Not that I was unable to do it alone, but simply because her being with me, made everything better. There was not a snapchat she didn’t send my way that I didn’t take a screenshot of. There was not a dinner where I didn’t sneak a picture of her. There wasn’t much I didn’t take a picture of because I wanted to hold those memories. Unfortunately, through the process I lost touch with me and my world became her happiness. So naturally, I stopped growing from the inside out. Yes, I figured out my style of clothing and starting smiling more, but that was really about it. Whereas now when I look back at the pictures I can tell the exact moment in time where she lost touch with me. I can tell the exact moment in time where she blossomed and I was the same guy she met. Maybe it’s good thing or maybe it’s a bad thing, i have no idea how to feel about it. I have just come to accept the fact that she blossomed before me.

The unfortunate thing about toxic relationships is it leaves its scars on you permanently. You can move on, you can grow and be different but something about that toxicity, stays with you. The easy way is to blame her, but as a man I have to admit both of us together just didn’t work. I had to swallow my pride and accept the fact that I didn’t do enough to keep her around. I simply became boring and stagnant.

The first year was difficult in all forms because I had to adjust myself to doing things alone. I had to be okay with her doing her own thing or with friends, instead of me. I had to face the truth of me being the same guy as the first day she met. I had not grown in any way, so I really had two options? one , I could drown in my own pain and sorrow(which I was already doing). Two, I could start a new chapter in my life and never hear this ever again.

It’s been two-three years now and those words ring in my ear whenever I relax. Those words help wake me up at 5 am to start the day with pedal to the metal. I have taken out the word tired from my dictionary. I have stopped with relying on others to join me on adventures, if anything I love my alone time. I probably have grown the most this year than ever before because 90% of things I have done all alone.

I was sitting with my father one day and he told me a story about an eagle that wouldn’t fly. The eagle would just sit on a tree branch all day even though it had the ability to fly. The owner then decided to cut off the entire branch and the eagle immediately started to fly. Just as this eagle I was meant to soar but she was my branch and my comfort zone. I held on to her for dear life  because I was too scared to fly and now that I am soaring, I only want to go higher. I only want to try new things and be the best version of myself. If you are in this predicament, i’m telling you, cut off that branch. You can love someone without limits but the day you become stagnant and stay in your comfort zone is the day you will hear what I did. I promise you. The day you start doing things alone, is the day new doors will open for you.

How I Learned to Fill Voids.

 

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We all meet someone who is super intimidating at first and then we realize that they just have RBF(resting bitch face). This is exactly what happened between me and my friend Marium. At first I was very shy and quiet around her because of how she carries herself but as time passed I realized how chill she is. Whether it’s learning photography or having a friend to eat tacos with, it’s always fun and relaxed with her.

Last night we went to get tacos after midnight and a conversation sparked regarding relationships, hoe behavior and the depth both of us need out of our next partner. She has this habit of not talking while eating because it helps her “focus” on her food. Once she finished her food she said “I bet I know everything about you, even though you don’t talk about the real you”. I looked at her and said “ard do it” and this girl went on a rant for a full 10 minutes about who I am. The things she said I have never wrote in a blog let alone voice to anyone. She scared the shit out of me and I was intimidated by her again. I felt naked, vulnerable and wanted to go hide somewhere because of how accurate her perception was about me.

She talked about my love life, career, school and self doubts. I tried to control my facial expressions because I didn’t want her to think she was right. She then said “If it’s okay with you, I will help you be less bougie and be who you really are”. She looked at my phone then reached her hand out and without hesitation I handed her my phone. One by one she deleted and blocked old phone numbers, and people off my social media that I should have cut off years ago. I swear I was annoyed when she did that until this morning because I would wake up to 15-20 texts and social media going crazy. I realized I was spending my time, energy, and money on people who don’t add value to my life. They were around to fill voids I didn’t know existed or to make me feel better about myself. This morning I woke up to zero texts and maybe 5 social media notifications. It was so nice to not have over 30 notifications on my phone and this burden or feeling that I have to reply to everyone, even though I don’t connect with them.

I texted her the next morning to tell her how bossy she is and how much value she holds in my life. Hands down, she is the only person in the world who can call the shots or be bossy and I do not get offended. The reasoning being is because she does not have malicious intentions. She says the things you need to hear instead of what you want to hear. At first I had a lot of “Wtf” moments with her but I quickly learned how layered she is and how much depth she has that cannot be seen on the surface. Best way to explain Marium is that she has resting bitch face for the world but is a soft serve ice cream from the inside.

Now why does my friendship with a “bossy” friend mean anything-well here’s how! I realized through her that I spent countless years maintaining relationships on romantic and platonic levels with people who do not deserve it. So my question is why do we insist on wasting our time on such people? Why do we go above and beyond for people who won’t take one step for us? Its simple. The fear of loneliness and this hunger to fill voids. Which are left from someone leaving us or some situation that left us empty. So how do we stop this cycle of constant let downs?

1) Stop filling voids with other humans who are incomplete themselves

2) Find yourself before you go finding someone else

3) Stop telling people too much about yourself. Don’t be an open book for everyone. If someone wants to know, they will ask you!

4) 200 likes on Instagram or an X amount of retweets does not mean your life is full. I promise you, it takes one good soul to fill the shoes of 200 people who liked your picture or re-tweeted you.

5) Don’t be scared to be the real you! Leave the fancy bullshit for the one who matters and deserves it. Until then enjoy the small things in life. Such as Iced coffee, french fries and pizza. With the people who matter(or alone).

Bonus Pro Tip***** Don’t be scared to approach people with RBF(resting bitch face). They aren’t bad people, they are just lost deep in thought,probably about food.  

The Last Text

Her name popped back up on my phone after so long. My stomach did flips, my heart sank and my breathing became shallow. The one person who knew every aspect of my life was asking me “how I am doing”. My old love, best friend and someone who knew exactly “how I was doing” by the way I texted is now a stranger.

Today when she asked that I wanted to say so much but all I did was apologize if I ever did her wrong and she also apologized. It was way too formal but it needed to be done because my last conversation ended in a “fuck off”. My last memory of her was a few below the belt hits. I just wanted to change that so when in the future I look back I have this conversation too look at instead of the old ones.

The hardest thing in life is to face yourself because you have to come toe to toe with your own flaws and problems. Pointing fingers is the easy way out but once things ended I had no choice but to admit where I was wrong. Like any human I tried filling the voids through hanging out with friends, shopping or acting happy but that’s not how things work. If you are sad just get it out of your system and face the internal pain you have. My method was eating very unhealthy and doing reckless things but I soon realized that was really bad for me. Instead I woke up one morning and decided its time to workout and use this internal pain towards something positive.

When I first started working out I would use her name to bring out this rage within me to workout harder. As time went on and when the pain slowly left from within me I realized I have no reason to be mad at her. We were two amazing people who just grew apart due to various reasons and that’s perfectly fine. That doesn’t mean life stops or the world is against me. It simply means we have to work on ourselves and be the best version of ourselves before we love someone else.

While my heart raced to the sight of her name on my phone I texted her saying.

I just want you to know I have no hard feelings, anger or things against you. In every prayer I pray for you to be happier even if it’s not with me:) “

After that small conversation with her I felt as if I was still in love because of how I was feeling on the inside but I realized something. Our story ended a while ago and it would be stupid of me to turn back a few pages and reread them. I already know where the story will lead me. Love is so much more than the heart racing or reminiscing on all the good times two people shared. I loved her at one point but this wasn’t love it was just an old attachment. I can finally say I broke that attachment today and didn’t go flipping through our story expecting a different outcome.

Break ups and heartbreaks are a sad part of life that we go through. No amount of advice makes it easier but here are a few small tips to make things a little easier.

  • Of course see your family, friends and take part in your hobbies but spend time alone and figure out how you feel.
  • Once you figure out your feelings you have to face your flaws and take steps to become a better individual.
  • Forgive someone if they did you wrong and apologize if you did them wrong.
  • Start working out because it helps you feel so much better mentally and physically
  • Understand the difference between lust, love and attachment because it will come in handy for the next person that comes along.
  • Go out, travel, have fun and don’t be scared to meet new people
  • The Female population on earth is 6,895,889,018 and the male population is 3,477,829,638. I promise you will find someone who clicks with you on every level.