Thank You Guys!

 

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This post is for all of my day one followers, readers and daily visitors on my first blog. I hated you guys when I started because I would receive such harsh words. I hated you guys because I would get 1 view a week, if that. At that moment I figured I have no future so I decided to quit and walk away, which I did. Then 6 months later I realized I’m not a good writer, so I had two options. One, quit and never look back at this idea of blogging or keep practicing until I become better than ever before. So for 6 months I went on hundreds and hundreds of blogs to see what they have. All I did was study my competition and practiced different types of writing. After that 6 month period I made a brand new blog called www.kirfanlive.com under wordpress. This website is my baby, my first love and as we say in urdu my jaan(life). I found my voice here and slowly I figured out my topic of interest in writing. I remember being scared to share my blog or tell my friends because that fear of rejection was still within me. That fear of failure smacking me in the face made me shy and my writing weak. Eventually other bloggers reached out to me and told me they loved my first story about a girl named “Anjali”. That was the push I needed and I started mass sharing my blog. I started waking up to texts of how good my writing is and how much they love this new piece.

April 12th, 2015 I got a notification from wordpress that I got 55 views, I was ecstatic! It was the highest amount of traffic I ever got onto my blog. I felt on top of the world and I was telling everyone how many views I got! I wanted to become even bigger and better  so I decided to make a new website, which would be a platform for artists of all forms to display their work under my label. With no other choice I had to change my first blogs name to www.kirfanspeaks.com and the websites name to www.kirfanlive.com . I eventually signed a writer, poet and two photographers to my brand name, who do not only put out amazing pieces but also promote my writing.

October 23rd, 2016 I got another notification from wordpress, stating that I am averaging 41 views an hour! A few days later I found out that my website is pulling in 600 views on a monthly basis which is split between my personal blog, guest blogs, and men’s fashion!

I am nowhere near the top and I have a long road ahead of me. Regardless, I love all of my kirfanlive followers. You guys have been nothing less than amazing! Seriously, I want to thank everyone on twitter who tweet out my links and keep supporting my journey! Some of you guys made my logos, spread the word and continuously motivated me. Others have messaged me to let me know something I said has helped them in some way. I promise I read all of the emails, texts and messages but sometimes I am unable to reply to everyone. I promise I read everything and everything you guys send my way holds a very special place in my heart and keeps me motivated! Today we are over 500 strong and I promise our family will only get bigger and better! On that note,my dream is becoming a reality because of all of you and I am working hard to bring you guys original content. What started out as writing transformed into a place where you can find art, photography and men’s fashion. Not to forget Kirfanlive poetry and Kirfanlive womens fashion are also dropping soon! Thank you for the love and support! If you havent already please visit www.kirfanlive.com then go to www.kirfanspeaks.com and click follow!

The Two Sons

His big brown eyes looked up at the two wanting to be included. He often looked from afar hoping he could be part of the conversations. His older brother would share a big breakfast along with discussions about life, work and family with his dad. The younger brother sat looking at the tea and then every so often looking up at the two. The younger brother didn’t have much to say to his father he didn’t know whether it was because of age or different interests. As the years went on the younger brother pulled himself away from the family thinking he didn’t belong. He made him self busy with college, friends and making a name for himself. His only goal was to hear his parents say they are proud of him.

The problem with him being the youngest is he only saw his older siblings including the older brother gain success. He always felt he was too far behind in life or maybe didn’t have much in common with anyone. While everyone had a path in life the youngest wanted to be a writer, photographer or do something creative. The younger brother would often sit with his family and not feel connected because nobody understood him. He was an observer, a runner up and stuck in the shadows of his family name. What he didn’t know was his differences within the family made him have a rare mentality that pulled people towards him.

Sometimes we get so busy in life that we don’t realize how much has changed. The younger brother was now 23 years old, done with college, working and having conversations with his father. He also got to hear from his parents that they are proud of him. He soon became the life of the house and kept everyone happy because he had a different approach to life. Its funny how things change because now the older brothers brown eyes looked at the younger brother and said “I envy you” after the younger brother shared the conversation he had the previous night with his father. The older brother said “my entire life I could only connect with dad over work. I never had a chance to connect with dad over personal things”. Its as if the roles had switched between the brothers. Maybe I only observed the things that met my eyes on the breakfast table. Maybe just maybe my different ideologies, interests and this love for love helped me get what I want with my family. The difference with me is that I want to bring the two sons back together on that breakfast table. One can talk about work and the other son can talk about the new filter on instagram. It’s not the breakfast I want to share but rather the time spent on the table.

Unlearning everything I learned

I was spoon-fed to believe success is a degree, which helps you gain an X amount of money. I was enamored with people telling me only a certain majors will help you reach this success. For some reason I could never accept the fact that I was made to study biology, chemistry or some other hard science but I still went ahead and did psychology. The problem was that I did not know who I was at the tender age of 19 and I made this decision. I didn’t follow what I wanted but rather my family, friends, society and of course where I could find money.

Clearly I went to college for all the wrong reasons and everyday I walked into lecture hall knowing, this is just not for me. I ignored all of my internal voices because I just wanted to make my family proud. I remember wanting to leave my university and transfer to some other university because the academics got very overwhelming for me but my family always huddled around me and picked me back up. I got lost in their dreams to the point where I forgot to live mine out. I remember after three long years in my university I applied for graduation and I still felt like I had not done enough. So I applied for a masters in speech pathology because I figured my family would be even more proud of me once I get accepted into 1 of the 15 masters programs I had applied for.

Everyday I would tell someone that “hey I might be going to grad school for speech pathology”. Yet, every night I couldn’t sleep because I was so stressed about my future. If everything was planned to the T why was I so worried? Why was I still so restless?

Every morning I would login to my email waiting for an email that would read congratulations. Sadly, everything read we are sorry to inform you. I had been rejected from all 15 schools nobody even put me on the wait list. At this point I became over dramatic and realized “I will have no future”. I was depressed and embarrassed because in my mind I had let down my parents.

With depression came many sleepless nights and one of these particular nights I remember doing a lot of thinking. I realized my 22 years of life had been shaped to make others happy. I hated my major, I hated the masters program and yet I was still going for it. It was so stupid of me because I would have went on with doing things that “sound successful” or will make others happy.

Every individual is born with a certain skill and after enough polishing that skill makes him or her successful. I decided to write down my skills and see where I could take these skills. My list included dancing, writing and men’s fashion. My interests were photography and media design. For some people these are stupid side things people have but for me it makes me who I am. Im no longer ashamed of that because I cant sit in a cubicle, I cant be told to be what society accepts as a profession. Ever since that night I have never been this happy and this comfortable in my own skin. I am happy with my skills and future goals to become a writer, fashion blogger, website designer, photographer and dream about all of my goals.

For any parent reading this blog please stop having your child live out your dreams. Stop expecting your child to live up to your expectations because we are all born a certain way and we all have different dreams. Im sure for the sake of your happiness your kids will do it but they will not be internally happy. Happiness will only exist when the child has passion and a drive for what they want to do.

Next week I walk across the stage to get my bachelors of Arts in Psychology. I couldn’t be more proud of myself and I couldn’t be more excited to say I found myself. Even with a degree I had a chance to unlearn everything I was taught. Success is not about a degree, money or what society says but rather it is discovering who are and being unapologetic.

 

My own reality.

Growing up in a very sheltered family, I was always told I couldn’t do many

things. Part of the reason was I had asthma, allergies, and many other health

problems which kept me sick. No matter how sick I was and no matter what any

person said to me I always had one quality within me. I am a dreamer and always

try to be different but according to my family it’s silly because the chances of my

dreams to become reality are slim to none. I never agree with them though because

my mind works differently than most people. I am creative, I understand people

from the inside out, and I just can’t live a robotic way of life. I need something more

because I have this longing for my dreams to be a reality.

I want to become a famous writer but often people say my writing sucks or

tell me its impossible. I am a South Asian writer and I know it’s hard, but nothing is

impossible. I actually never tell anyone “I am a struggling writer” because in no way

am I struggling. In order for others to believe in me I have to sell myself through

believing in my craft. Writing is just one of many dreams. I also strive to open up my

own dance studio to teach kids how to dance. I want to be successful in a manner

where I can touch someone’s life and have them believe in their own craft. The sad

part is I have been enamored with stories regarding failure and how my window of

opportunity is gone because I do not have the right connections. I had an individual

tell me I am stuck in the dream world and I will not get to where I want to. My

response to remarks as such is let me fail, let fall, and once I fall I will get stronger

and eventually reach my dreams when the time is right.

Most people go to sleep at night and then have amazing dreams but I dream

during the day. Its silly, it may not be realistic but this is my reality and I don’t want

to see someone else’s view on reality. I have no doubt in my mind, I know I will

reach my goals but right now it is farfetched, the chips are down and god knows

they are down. I just have to perfect my art so others believe in it as much as I do

and I recommend everyone else to do that. Never let failure determine or define

who you are. I have been through two blogs, I have quit before for months on end

but when you dream of something don’t quit. Everything in life takes time and

determination but if you don’t believe me look at the history of all the great athletes,

artists and historical leaders. Just keep dreaming, believing and eventually

everything will click into place.

Relationship Goals?

My generation has wrongful and strange perceptions on many things, but one

phenomenon that surprises me is the phrase “relationship goals”. If you are on any

social media outlet you will often see hashtags or pictures referring to a certain

relationship aspect. These pictures show very cliché things such as a couple kissing,

holding hands, or watching the sunset. On the bottom of these pictures usually

include a cliché quote, which talks about honesty, compassion, trust, and genuinely

being in love with your partner. Call me silly but shouldn’t these things be the

foundation of any relationship? How can the foundation of something that should

already exist be a goal? We should not be applauding things that should already be

present within a relationship.

My generation (including me) should look at the generations before us and

take notes. My parents have been married for 35 years and still counting. My

grandmother held my grandfathers hand as he took his last breath. I also know not

everyone has been in the same situation as me because break ups and divorce

happen. Yet one thing to note is even if the generations before us have dealt with

divorce or break ups, these couples have one thing in common: they fought until the

very end, and divorce was never the first option.

Now a days the dating scene is really annoying because we have so many

different labels. Such as single, in a relationship, it’s complicated, friends with

benefits, casually dating, and so on. The labels are not the problem, its following the

guidelines of these labels is where the problems start. If we all just cut the crap and

just be honest, our dating scene can be something really amazing.