Bro thats “gay”

blogger

“Bro why would you do that, it’s so gay”

Yesterday I decided to do a little experiment with my friends and followers of social media. I have always wanted to get a nose stud/ring but was scared of how people would react. Somehow I gained enough courage to get a nose ring early yesterday morning and then post a selfie on my social media. Within a few minutes the amount of hate and “bro that so gay” texts I got was shocking to me and a little hurtful. How is my sexuality determined by a piece of metal in my nose? How is my fashion statement an open doorway to spit out homophobic remarks? Our society has made it hard for people to express themselves in different ways. To the point where any hint of being original or different will have you shunned.

Most people have art, music or some other hobby to express themselves from everyday life, but for me its clothes and fashion. My style is based off of london and british bloggers who have inspired my sleek dark look. Sadly, for years I had to dress down in order to hang out with my male friends because of the homophobic remarks I would receive. The more they made fun of me the more I wanted to spread my wings and express myself, but I was scared. I didn’t want to lose my friends or be outcasted because I was different. See my entire life I struggled fitting in because my mentality, perspectives and of course sense of style was out of the norm for most people. I couldn’t risk losing a few friends that I did have just because I wanted to be expressive, so for years I just blended in. I didn’t style my hair or beard a certain way because of harsh comments. I didn’t wear certain clothes because i would stick out too much around those friends. Maybe around my last semester of college I decided to be who I am and just wear whatever I please and I did exactly that. Pretty soon I changed my hairstyle, beard and got an ear piercing. I got the “Bro thats gay” comments but I loved how I looked so It didn’t bother me. I guess through all the backlash my life long friends gave me I started developing thicker skin, so stupid comments do not pierce through me. Which is why I ended up getting my nose piercing done. I knew the harsh comments would come my way but I didn’t want to think back at my life and regret the things I didn’t do because I was scared of someone else’s opinions. The fact of the matter is that we get one shot at life but we ruin it because we spend our entire lives fitting into the mold others have put together of us.

Clothes, hair, and jewelry do not determine someone’s sexuality and even if it did, spitting out homophobic slurs is never okay. I used to know this guy back in my university who wore pink cheetah print shirts and bedazzled pants. I wasn’t open to being friends with him but through a group project I realized how nice of a human being he was. A few weeks later I saw him with his girlfriend, walking hand in hand. See the beauty about self expression is that somewhere along the line you will find someone as crazy, wild and absurd as you. Think about it. If that guy never expressed himself, would he have found that girl? Would he be so carefree, happy and enjoying the beauty of love? Maybe he would but it would definitely not be with that girl who saw that part in him.

All these years I was scared to express my own sense of style so I was attracting all the wrong types of friends and girls. So what started off as a sexy new relationship quickly went down in flames because I found them to be bland and boring. That was until I became comfortable in my own skin, hair and clothes, which is why I finally attracted the right girl who saw my exterior and wanted to understand the inside a little more. She encourages me to do all the wild crazy styles I ever wanted to and I promote her doing crazy hair colors and different styles of makeup. I mean who knows maybe I’ll highlight the tips of my hair platinum this summer, and if gay means I have a killer fashion sense and piercings then hey I’ll take it because my girlfriend loves every bit of it.

Concrete Roads

Broken Concrete Wall

“Jab dard mein yaar na ho”

Life has its mysterious ways of showing you the top of the mountain and then suddenly dropping you to the bottom. That drop from the mountain is usually painful, lonely and causes a major shift in your character.

For a few weeks now i’ve been noticing this sudden drop in my emotions. I don’t laugh and I don’t feel pain as much. For me to let any emotions “out” I have to watch something super sad or listen to some sappy Bollywood songs. This feeling within is like a concrete layering over every single emotion in the world. What I do know is that this is not healthy and as much as I want to blame life, some of the blame goes on me.

My biggest flaw is not reacting the right way when I have the time. For example, if a death happens in the family, I probably wouldn’t cry. Instead I would hold it in for 3-4 weeks and then drown in my own emotions. For some odd reason I feel like i have to be strong for everyone, but in the end I am the one suffering without a shoulder to lean on. The best way to explain this emotion of suffering is like putting a 50 pound bag of concrete on your chest. It’s constantly there but I have no where to drop this bag of concrete, so I end up feeling mentally and physically exhausted. I just want to get up and toss this damn bag of concrete somewhere, but the question remains, where? I need a break and just want to go somewhere where It’s quiet around me and in my mind.

I’m on a road that is making me go in circles through very noisy and cluttered places. Sadly, I have to travel on this road alone because nobody else will take out the time to understand my journey or ask me how I am doing. The reality is jab dard mein yaar na ho then why would anyone else help? Its my pain and whether I have to cry it out or laugh it out, I will. Being a man has nothing to do with how much you cry but rather understanding your own emotions. It’s about climbing back up to that mountain that you fell from, but this time around you will have a few battle scars that made you stronger in the process.

 

Burn Your Ships

burnships.jpg“The same love you give to people is not the same love you get back”

An old friend of mine once told me that life is like a boomerang; what you throw at it, is what you get back. I agreed with her at the time because it made complete sense to me, but now after my personal life experiences, not so much.

So I ask you, have you ever had unconditional love for someone? When all you wanted was the best for them and for them to be happy, no matter what they did? Their happiness meant so much that if they needed you, you would drop the world for them? If you said yes to the questions above you will understand what I’m about to talk about.

No matter how busy I was, I always made time for every single friend I had in my life. I truly loved all of my friends and wanted to be around for them just in case one of them needed me. Whether it was a break up, family issues, or something as simple as spilling coffee all over their favorite shirt. I always tried to help my close friends in any way, shape, or form because I knew when the time came they would do the same for me. Or so I hoped.

As I said earlier, what you throw at life is what life throws back at you. The boomerang I threw at my friends was love, understanding, compassion and unconditional support. The boomerang I got back, however, was the complete opposite from what I expected. Of course I spilled coffee on myself, I walked into a pole and even fell in public all of which my friends were always there for; until my life took a twist of fate. Suddenly I looked around and never felt more alone in my life. The same people I called my brothers, the same people I would drop the world for, were now suddenly unwilling to drop a party for me, or just text me and see if I’m okay.

With all I was going through, I figured eventually that boomerang would come back with my friends, because this time I needed them. This time I needed a friend, i really did need to go out; but this time, the people I needed no longer needed me. That was a tough pill to swallow but I had to accept the truth. My hard times and downfall were my own problems and nobody else could help me, besides me.

Since a lot of what I went through was alone I often found myself feeling scared and on a hill that had no end. On such days I’d sit on the floor with my back against my bed and would look up at my office chair. I always had a flashback to my father sitting on that very chair, while I sat on the ground as he told me a story. One specific story I remembered a few days ago was about a king who was unable to capture an area of land. The only thing that held the king back from capturing the land, was his own fear and hesitations. He figured that all of his old ways didn’t work so he had to change up his game plan. This time around, he got on his ship with the rest of his soldiers and told them to burn the ships once they got to the island. The soldiers looked at the king with confusion because obviously they needed those ships to get back if the opposing army was stronger. The king then told them, “If we don’t burn our ships, we will run back just like we did last time”. He explained to them, “We can’t have a safety net this time, our only way out is to keep marching forward”. After days of battle, the king and his army were tired, in pain, and aching but they did what they set out to do; they conquered the land that they wanted.

While sitting on my room’s floor I remembered what my father told me and I felt like he was really on that chair, just like he used to whenever he wanted to give me a quick life lesson. As a kid, I thought it was a cool story but now I understood what my father was trying to explain to me. I have to burn my ships and keep marching forward, no matter what people or life throw my way.

Be careful of where and to whom you throw your boomerang. You may not always like the boomerang you get back.

The Blossom Effect

 

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“I blossomed before you and you stopped growing as a whole”

Mistakes of all forms happen and heartaches happen at different magnitudes, but Imagine hearing that from the person you were supposed to marry. I always remember telling her she is my sidekick, my day 1 and wife. We weren’t married and just had the title of boyfriend and girlfriend, but I wanted to do everything with her. Not that I was unable to do it alone, but simply because her being with me, made everything better. There was not a snapchat she didn’t send my way that I didn’t take a screenshot of. There was not a dinner where I didn’t sneak a picture of her. There wasn’t much I didn’t take a picture of because I wanted to hold those memories. Unfortunately, through the process I lost touch with me and my world became her happiness. So naturally, I stopped growing from the inside out. Yes, I figured out my style of clothing and starting smiling more, but that was really about it. Whereas now when I look back at the pictures I can tell the exact moment in time where she lost touch with me. I can tell the exact moment in time where she blossomed and I was the same guy she met. Maybe it’s good thing or maybe it’s a bad thing, i have no idea how to feel about it. I have just come to accept the fact that she blossomed before me.

The unfortunate thing about toxic relationships is it leaves its scars on you permanently. You can move on, you can grow and be different but something about that toxicity, stays with you. The easy way is to blame her, but as a man I have to admit both of us together just didn’t work. I had to swallow my pride and accept the fact that I didn’t do enough to keep her around. I simply became boring and stagnant.

The first year was difficult in all forms because I had to adjust myself to doing things alone. I had to be okay with her doing her own thing or with friends, instead of me. I had to face the truth of me being the same guy as the first day she met. I had not grown in any way, so I really had two options? one , I could drown in my own pain and sorrow(which I was already doing). Two, I could start a new chapter in my life and never hear this ever again.

It’s been two-three years now and those words ring in my ear whenever I relax. Those words help wake me up at 5 am to start the day with pedal to the metal. I have taken out the word tired from my dictionary. I have stopped with relying on others to join me on adventures, if anything I love my alone time. I probably have grown the most this year than ever before because 90% of things I have done all alone.

I was sitting with my father one day and he told me a story about an eagle that wouldn’t fly. The eagle would just sit on a tree branch all day even though it had the ability to fly. The owner then decided to cut off the entire branch and the eagle immediately started to fly. Just as this eagle I was meant to soar but she was my branch and my comfort zone. I held on to her for dear life  because I was too scared to fly and now that I am soaring, I only want to go higher. I only want to try new things and be the best version of myself. If you are in this predicament, i’m telling you, cut off that branch. You can love someone without limits but the day you become stagnant and stay in your comfort zone is the day you will hear what I did. I promise you. The day you start doing things alone, is the day new doors will open for you.

Thank You Guys!

 

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This post is for all of my day one followers, readers and daily visitors on my first blog. I hated you guys when I started because I would receive such harsh words. I hated you guys because I would get 1 view a week, if that. At that moment I figured I have no future so I decided to quit and walk away, which I did. Then 6 months later I realized I’m not a good writer, so I had two options. One, quit and never look back at this idea of blogging or keep practicing until I become better than ever before. So for 6 months I went on hundreds and hundreds of blogs to see what they have. All I did was study my competition and practiced different types of writing. After that 6 month period I made a brand new blog called www.kirfanlive.com under wordpress. This website is my baby, my first love and as we say in urdu my jaan(life). I found my voice here and slowly I figured out my topic of interest in writing. I remember being scared to share my blog or tell my friends because that fear of rejection was still within me. That fear of failure smacking me in the face made me shy and my writing weak. Eventually other bloggers reached out to me and told me they loved my first story about a girl named “Anjali”. That was the push I needed and I started mass sharing my blog. I started waking up to texts of how good my writing is and how much they love this new piece.

April 12th, 2015 I got a notification from wordpress that I got 55 views, I was ecstatic! It was the highest amount of traffic I ever got onto my blog. I felt on top of the world and I was telling everyone how many views I got! I wanted to become even bigger and better  so I decided to make a new website, which would be a platform for artists of all forms to display their work under my label. With no other choice I had to change my first blogs name to www.kirfanspeaks.com and the websites name to www.kirfanlive.com . I eventually signed a writer, poet and two photographers to my brand name, who do not only put out amazing pieces but also promote my writing.

October 23rd, 2016 I got another notification from wordpress, stating that I am averaging 41 views an hour! A few days later I found out that my website is pulling in 600 views on a monthly basis which is split between my personal blog, guest blogs, and men’s fashion!

I am nowhere near the top and I have a long road ahead of me. Regardless, I love all of my kirfanlive followers. You guys have been nothing less than amazing! Seriously, I want to thank everyone on twitter who tweet out my links and keep supporting my journey! Some of you guys made my logos, spread the word and continuously motivated me. Others have messaged me to let me know something I said has helped them in some way. I promise I read all of the emails, texts and messages but sometimes I am unable to reply to everyone. I promise I read everything and everything you guys send my way holds a very special place in my heart and keeps me motivated! Today we are over 500 strong and I promise our family will only get bigger and better! On that note,my dream is becoming a reality because of all of you and I am working hard to bring you guys original content. What started out as writing transformed into a place where you can find art, photography and men’s fashion. Not to forget Kirfanlive poetry and Kirfanlive womens fashion are also dropping soon! Thank you for the love and support! If you havent already please visit www.kirfanlive.com then go to www.kirfanspeaks.com and click follow!

The Squad Mentality

Stack Of Books

When I see someone, I see a book full of stories, I see broken pasts and mind full of memories. like any book there is a cover that hides and protects the pages. This cover doesn’t share it all but rather shows you at face value of what to expect. Sometimes the face value is exactly what the rest of the book is about. Yet, often times the cover is not always true. The person like many books is full of many twists, turns and surprises. This is exactly why I love meeting new people and squads. Each person in every squad Is full of many different backgrounds, experiences and stories.

Reality is, besides my 5 childhood friends, I hate the idea of sticking to one group of people for more than three to six months. I rather meet a squad and hand pick max 2 or 3 people and move along with my life. The way I see it, over time misunderstandings and issues arise which leave a sour taste in your mouth. So why stay around for amazing friendships to crumble to the ground? Why be a part of fake friendships that are in tact for Instagram posts and for a few good times? What need to understand is that the number of friends you have, does not mean anything. The number of crazy fun nights you have together with these friends, does not mean much either. The idea of a friendship has nothing to with good times. Rather it means being there for each other during a rough patch.

I’ve been a part of 6-7 squads within these last two years and each time, I witnessed good friendships fall to extreme lows. I watched misunderstandings become walls between people who shared so many good times. I watched people leave groups forever finding out the hard way that a so called squad is not your family.  I watched people become stagnant and okay with where they are in life. We as humans are meant to grow and keep learning something new. Either we can be okay with the same story everyday or we can go out and find new stories. Until I find another book whose story that really touches me, I will keep my book closed and show whats at face value, my book cover.  

Who pays on the first date?

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Have you ever been in a situation where you are broke? Don’t have money to pay bills or even fill up your gas tank? Yet you somehow stumble upon someone, who you really like? Then suddenly you are faced with the struggle to fund the first date just because you are a guy?

Here is how I face such a predicament, If my character, morals, values and personality are not enough to keep someone then good bye. The fancy dates and gifts are nice but that does not make the relationship good by any standard-cough cough future wife I want a new football jersey. All jokes aside most of us are not made of money, we shop from sale racks and try to manage our money. Then why should we expect fancy dates from a completely stranger, who we are interested in.

With that said the most common first date is usually dinner at a nice place. First dates are your tryouts, if you do good the possibility of a second date or getting a call back goes up. One thing to keep in mind is just be yourself and do not try too hard to win them over with being flashy. Now if you cant pronounce over half the entrees on the menu, chances are this place is not for you. If you look at the price of the food and pray to god she doesn’t order the most expensive plate(she usually does), chances are this place is not for you. What I am trying to say is don’t go crazy, keep it simple. Coffee shops, museums, walk at the park or even a hole in the wall restaurant is okay. The key is for her to like YOU not the place you take her. There is nothing wrong with doing the best for your date but its also important to maintain a proper budget.

After your meal, what happens next really shows who you are as a person. Society says the man should pay on the first date-agreed! On the other hand the woman should at least offer to split the check. Now before you guys get on my case, I have never let the lady pay on the first date. My only issue is if she doesn’t even offer, It leaves a bad taste in my mouth because that means she already expected me to pay.

Here’s why men including me get annoyed if you don’t even offer. In our minds we know that I asked you to the date.  We also know that I approached you first but we have to cut these bullshit double standards that are used when it benefits us. look, If me being a real man comes from pulling out my wallet then you as a woman should at least offer. I promise you, a real man will never let you pay. We as men just want to see effort and feel appreciated but the moment you sit there, expecting the man to pay is when we feel used.

For anyone reading this and thinking I am being a “Menist” or not being a “gentleman”, i’m sorry you are incorrect. Lets reflect to when we go out with our friends, we split the check and maybe once in awhile pick up their tab. Then why do we have unreasonable expectations from a complete stranger? Why do we put so much financial burden on someone who may have loans, bills, and other financial issues? 

“If you as a man do not pay on the first date, you were raised wrong and if you as a woman do not offer, you were raised wrong”-Treat your date and partner like your best friend not someone who needs to buy your time.

How I Learned to Fill Voids.

 

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We all meet someone who is super intimidating at first and then we realize that they just have RBF(resting bitch face). This is exactly what happened between me and my friend Marium. At first I was very shy and quiet around her because of how she carries herself but as time passed I realized how chill she is. Whether it’s learning photography or having a friend to eat tacos with, it’s always fun and relaxed with her.

Last night we went to get tacos after midnight and a conversation sparked regarding relationships, hoe behavior and the depth both of us need out of our next partner. She has this habit of not talking while eating because it helps her “focus” on her food. Once she finished her food she said “I bet I know everything about you, even though you don’t talk about the real you”. I looked at her and said “ard do it” and this girl went on a rant for a full 10 minutes about who I am. The things she said I have never wrote in a blog let alone voice to anyone. She scared the shit out of me and I was intimidated by her again. I felt naked, vulnerable and wanted to go hide somewhere because of how accurate her perception was about me.

She talked about my love life, career, school and self doubts. I tried to control my facial expressions because I didn’t want her to think she was right. She then said “If it’s okay with you, I will help you be less bougie and be who you really are”. She looked at my phone then reached her hand out and without hesitation I handed her my phone. One by one she deleted and blocked old phone numbers, and people off my social media that I should have cut off years ago. I swear I was annoyed when she did that until this morning because I would wake up to 15-20 texts and social media going crazy. I realized I was spending my time, energy, and money on people who don’t add value to my life. They were around to fill voids I didn’t know existed or to make me feel better about myself. This morning I woke up to zero texts and maybe 5 social media notifications. It was so nice to not have over 30 notifications on my phone and this burden or feeling that I have to reply to everyone, even though I don’t connect with them.

I texted her the next morning to tell her how bossy she is and how much value she holds in my life. Hands down, she is the only person in the world who can call the shots or be bossy and I do not get offended. The reasoning being is because she does not have malicious intentions. She says the things you need to hear instead of what you want to hear. At first I had a lot of “Wtf” moments with her but I quickly learned how layered she is and how much depth she has that cannot be seen on the surface. Best way to explain Marium is that she has resting bitch face for the world but is a soft serve ice cream from the inside.

Now why does my friendship with a “bossy” friend mean anything-well here’s how! I realized through her that I spent countless years maintaining relationships on romantic and platonic levels with people who do not deserve it. So my question is why do we insist on wasting our time on such people? Why do we go above and beyond for people who won’t take one step for us? Its simple. The fear of loneliness and this hunger to fill voids. Which are left from someone leaving us or some situation that left us empty. So how do we stop this cycle of constant let downs?

1) Stop filling voids with other humans who are incomplete themselves

2) Find yourself before you go finding someone else

3) Stop telling people too much about yourself. Don’t be an open book for everyone. If someone wants to know, they will ask you!

4) 200 likes on Instagram or an X amount of retweets does not mean your life is full. I promise you, it takes one good soul to fill the shoes of 200 people who liked your picture or re-tweeted you.

5) Don’t be scared to be the real you! Leave the fancy bullshit for the one who matters and deserves it. Until then enjoy the small things in life. Such as Iced coffee, french fries and pizza. With the people who matter(or alone).

Bonus Pro Tip***** Don’t be scared to approach people with RBF(resting bitch face). They aren’t bad people, they are just lost deep in thought,probably about food.  

Do you know the real YOU?

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After going through shitty relationships one after another I decided to take some time off for myself. These last few months have been dedicated to understanding myself, my mind and my soul. I realized I knew so much about every damn bollywood actor, actress and the great athletes around the world that I was not in tune with myself. Why is it that we can read books, watch movies or TV shows and give detailed summaries about them? Whereas when it comes to ourselves we neglect the depth needed to understand the real us.

I learned to face my good qualities and attempt to fix my bad ones as well. Have I improved, only time will tell. What i can tell you is that I am confident about who I am as a whole. I don’t need people to like me, appreciate me or show me love because I do that for myself. Now why does all of this matter and why is this linked to my shitty relationships-here’s why! I was going into relationships hoping someone would fix my self image issues, confidence, and fill any voids I have. I relied on someone else to provide me with assurance that I am good enough or that I am someone that can be loved. It made me clingy, overbearing, and someone who was unable to grow as a whole while in a relationship.

With taking this time off I worked on each aspect of myself individually, one by one. First thing I changed was my diet! Yes my diet! I started eating clean food, home cooked meals and stopped eating just because I was bored. Secondly, I started doing things alone that gave me time to feel things. Whether it’s working out, going to the park, hiking or driving down to the city just to explore. I found ways to have me, myself and I time! It helped me approach strangers just to talk and be comfortable all alone without much assistance. Lastly, I trained my mind to believe in myself, my ideas, and my goals in life. I respect everyones suggestions and opinions but Its my life after all and I am in the driver seat, not you!

Take a break from social media, music, TV, friends or shitty relationships just to feel good about yourself. We are humans and are made in a way to love another human on a mental, emotional and physical level. Until your future partner walks into your life just build your mind, body and soul because it will only help you and your partner grow into something far more special than anyone in the past ! Learn to love yourself and understand who you are better than any celebrity you adore from afar. Stop letting others grab the wheel of life from you just because they add nothing but a presence that fill a void.

 

The Last Text

Her name popped back up on my phone after so long. My stomach did flips, my heart sank and my breathing became shallow. The one person who knew every aspect of my life was asking me “how I am doing”. My old love, best friend and someone who knew exactly “how I was doing” by the way I texted is now a stranger.

Today when she asked that I wanted to say so much but all I did was apologize if I ever did her wrong and she also apologized. It was way too formal but it needed to be done because my last conversation ended in a “fuck off”. My last memory of her was a few below the belt hits. I just wanted to change that so when in the future I look back I have this conversation too look at instead of the old ones.

The hardest thing in life is to face yourself because you have to come toe to toe with your own flaws and problems. Pointing fingers is the easy way out but once things ended I had no choice but to admit where I was wrong. Like any human I tried filling the voids through hanging out with friends, shopping or acting happy but that’s not how things work. If you are sad just get it out of your system and face the internal pain you have. My method was eating very unhealthy and doing reckless things but I soon realized that was really bad for me. Instead I woke up one morning and decided its time to workout and use this internal pain towards something positive.

When I first started working out I would use her name to bring out this rage within me to workout harder. As time went on and when the pain slowly left from within me I realized I have no reason to be mad at her. We were two amazing people who just grew apart due to various reasons and that’s perfectly fine. That doesn’t mean life stops or the world is against me. It simply means we have to work on ourselves and be the best version of ourselves before we love someone else.

While my heart raced to the sight of her name on my phone I texted her saying.

I just want you to know I have no hard feelings, anger or things against you. In every prayer I pray for you to be happier even if it’s not with me:) “

After that small conversation with her I felt as if I was still in love because of how I was feeling on the inside but I realized something. Our story ended a while ago and it would be stupid of me to turn back a few pages and reread them. I already know where the story will lead me. Love is so much more than the heart racing or reminiscing on all the good times two people shared. I loved her at one point but this wasn’t love it was just an old attachment. I can finally say I broke that attachment today and didn’t go flipping through our story expecting a different outcome.

Break ups and heartbreaks are a sad part of life that we go through. No amount of advice makes it easier but here are a few small tips to make things a little easier.

  • Of course see your family, friends and take part in your hobbies but spend time alone and figure out how you feel.
  • Once you figure out your feelings you have to face your flaws and take steps to become a better individual.
  • Forgive someone if they did you wrong and apologize if you did them wrong.
  • Start working out because it helps you feel so much better mentally and physically
  • Understand the difference between lust, love and attachment because it will come in handy for the next person that comes along.
  • Go out, travel, have fun and don’t be scared to meet new people
  • The Female population on earth is 6,895,889,018 and the male population is 3,477,829,638. I promise you will find someone who clicks with you on every level.