Types Of Love

download (5)I was 20 years old when I first fell in love and instantly my life became full of colors. Her color brought me to a new high because we instantly clicked on every level. Our personalities went together like the summer in June, our birthdays were two days apart and my day was not complete without seeing her. We texted each other paragraph long text messages every morning, we fell asleep over facetime and made so many internal jokes. Each day that passed felt like a dive into another parallel universe because when I was around her, nothing else mattered. My family, friends, school and hobbies didn’t matter anymore because she was able to fill all those spaces in my heart. Some would say it’s not healthy but at that time I didn’t listen to anyone, besides her. One month turned into one year and I knew she was the girl I will marry. I mean, why wouldn’t I think that? We did everything together. That’s what love is. That’s what I saw in the movies, so this had to be it. Yet, we fought a lot and with those fights we forgot to give each other the space to grow. In my head love was being together and being away meant that love is no longer alive.

At the one year mark our love became an obsession that pulled the other closer if they dared to even hang out with someone else, but we loved each other. The thought of losing her would make my heart tremble, the fear of me losing her became more evident. As each day passed I became sucked out of our own parallel universe. I stopped laughing at her jokes. I didn’t have much to say anymore, but she was my home. So I always went back because it had to work this time around even though the other 55 times didn’t work. I became confused at our relationship because I couldn’t live with her and I couldn’t live without her. Our love became overwhelming and suffocating; both of us knew this but we were willing to slowly die within our self made poison we called love. As each day passed we became more distant. Hours on the phone became a quick 30 second call. 3 meals a day soon became 3 meals a week. Facetime turned into an automatic text, “sorry can’t talk right now.” As if we actually talked anymore? Eventually I got distracted because maybe deep down inside I wasn’t happy. She then sat me down at our favorite restaurant to talk and I knew what bullet was about to come my way. She said it, the three words, It is over. Within that instant the few ounces of happiness that I had left, soon became depleted.

~KirfanLive

 

I was 20 years old when I first had my heart broken and just as the canvas I called my life had become so colorful when he entered my life…in an instant my life became black and white once more. I wondered, what had happened to the two souls that seemed so inseparable? What had happened to the young love that had promised forever and a lifetime? Every day that passed without him felt like being hit by a train, but drowning at the same time. He’d always said that my heart was a mosaic he had put back together for good…and looking back, maybe that’s why I felt so many empty spaces in me. He was the glue that held me together, the reality that I felt was worth living for. Our nights together, had turned into days, and our days to months, and then years. I thought he was the one. I’ve often heard that when someone leaves your life they take a piece of you with them. He took all of me with him. He was my fairy tale in the world of non fiction. All I wanted was to keep him close, and love him. But…one year later our fairy tale was fading, and I felt powerless knowing that I was losing him. It felt like I was constantly holding my hand out to him, and no matter how much he tried to reach out…somehow our hands never met anymore. He said we had become poison for each other, but if so why was his love still my elixir? Every memory we had promised to make together, had in fact turned into a memory. But at this point, I knew it was over. I couldn’t see him suffer no matter how much I wanted him to be mine. And so one night, over dinner, I said it. It is over. With tears spilling down my cheeks, and my breath refusing to leave my throat. What else could I have done? As soon as the words had left my lips…I ran. I ran far far away from him. And I haven’t seen him since. I held him so close to my heart, so why had he kicked me out of his? I may have turned into a nightmare he wanted to wake up from, but he will always be the dream that I fall asleep to.

~V.G

 

It’s been almost five years now. I still think of him every day, but I’m sure he’s moved on by now. There’s probably a lucky girl in his life now, that he comes up behind, when she’s drying her hair in the mirror…and whispers, “hey beautiful” into her ear. People that haven’t seen me in years still ask me about him. If we’re still together. And I’m never able to get any words out. I just smile my sad smile, and continue trudging through life. So many people told him that I’m with someone now…but I’m not. I’m as lonely as ever. My only relationship is with my own solitude. I guess he needed more than just me. I still occasionally go back to the pier where we had spent so much of our time. I listen to the waves crash against each other and try to piece myself back together. I’ve found some peace though. I don’t hate him. I know I never will. If I were to completely honest, I still love him. But I’ve grown enough to know that not everything in life comes and stays forever. He was one of those things. I just hope he’s happy. Because that’s all I really ever wanted. I know that God has someone for me somewhere, and I’ll use all the lessons he taught me. And yeah, maybe I still cry in his memory. But one day, I’ll smile again…and everything will be okay.

~V.G

 

Note from the author:

This was one of the best collaborations I have been a part of to date. Me and Vaidehi have very complimentary styles that intertwine perfectly. This is one of many collaborations coming your way. Visit http://www.vaidehigajjar.com to check out her writing. #KayVStrikes

Therapy

IMG_1429About 3 months ago I partially tore my Achilles and went through excruciating pain. The process of being on a boot, crutches and painkillers was an unfamiliar road for me, but I “manned up” and got through it. Now, in my head when I got off the boot 3 weeks ago, I figured this is it — I can start running around and going to the gym again. Instead, my doctor signed me up for physical therapy for 3 months and showed me exercises to do at home. I was bummed and frustrated because I wanted to be done with this seemingly never ending process, but something clicked within me which made it easier.

Two years ago I was madly in love with someone but it quickly turned into something toxic. No matter how bad the fights or arguments got, both of us would find some stupid excuse to hold on.  Maybe we were hoping that something would change so we didn’t fight, disagree, or find each other annoying. It soon became a vicious cycle because the same arguments happened, and truth be told at one point all respect for each other was gone. Due to many other reasons, our relationship slowly burned to the ground and I had to learn to live without my best friend. Now after everything turned south, I wanted to go running back to her because she was my home. I felt safe with her because she was the only person I’d ever clicked with, but I had to move forward.

I told myself to move on but everything was a constant reminder about the times we’d shared.  Every place was linked to a memory, and hearing anything close to her voice or name would trigger a mini anxiety attack. In my mind the logical thing to do was just find someone else, which I did, but I didn’t give myself enough time to come to terms with my internal sadness. I kind of rushed through the sad part and jumped into the next best thing, and when the girl wanted something serious I would run — not because something was wrong with them, but because I was scared to go through that again. In my mind, I believed something would happen and I’d suffer all over again.

That was until my Achilles tendon tore and I realized that us humans also need “emotional therapy” for something devastating that happens. Even with my injury I pictured myself getting out of the boot and start running right that moment, but that’s not how things work. Whether it’s a break-up or a physical injury, it will take time. If you try to pick up where you left off you will only inflict more pain on yourself and unconsciously to someone else.

Looking Below Me

dunkin-donuts-munchkins

Friday night I went out with about 4-5 of my friends to Virginia and enjoyed a new lounge that had been opened. I bumped into some old friends and shared a few laughs over some good food, old memories and my friend’s birthday. I ended up coming home around 3 am with a house that gives me the comfort and all the daily necessities anyone could ask for.

The next morning, I woke up at 1 pm and decided to get some coffee and a chocolate glazed doughnut from Dunkin’ Donuts because I really needed it. As I reached into my bag, I saw an old man passing my car and looking over at Dunkin’ Donuts just as a kid would look at cake. I didn’t pay it much mind and reached for my straw, took off the white paper wrap, and as I went in for my first sip I saw him counting some change. Instantly, my conscience woke up and told me to do something and help him out. I put my iced coffee down, turned my car off and waited for him to make his way into the building. As he walked in I quickly said, “hey!” — no response. Then I said “HEY!”, even louder, but still — no response. I didn’t take it to heart and just told myself he needed some coffee and food, maybe then he’d talk to me.

I told the lady behind the counter to get him whatever he wanted and to make sure to give him all the tasty options on the menu. I glanced back to him and he looked at the lady and said, “I only have $2:50,” but after 5 minutes of explaining, he understood that I’d be helping him out today. The crazy thing was that he knew I was paying but was not being greedy or selfish. He asked for 2 munchkins (doughnut holes) and I honestly looked back at him in complete shock. I looked over at the lady and told her “no, get him 10 munchkins and a medium hot coffee.” Even at this point he didn’t say thank you or even as much as a hello. I took out my card and swiped it, and walked away knowing that he’d have breakfast. I sat in my car and instantly had “severe watery eyes” because the night before I’d spent over $50 on a few things at the lounge, and here he was scraping for change to have breakfast.

When I was younger my mother often told me to look at people “below me” instead of people “above me”. Somewhere along the line I lost that philosophy and forgot to look at people below me and help them. The harsh reality is that the rich and middle class people are truly the ones who are poor. We hide behind the expensive cars, clothes and food, but hesitate to hand a dollar bill to someone standing on the side of the road. Now, if your argument is that they will spend it on alcohol or drugs, you are literally using one broad brush and trying to fit everyone into the same category. I get it, it’s impossible to change the world, but you can help change someone’s world around.

Bro thats “gay”

blogger

“Bro why would you do that, it’s so gay”

Yesterday I decided to do a little experiment with my friends and followers of social media. I have always wanted to get a nose stud/ring but was scared of how people would react. Somehow I gained enough courage to get a nose ring early yesterday morning and then post a selfie on my social media. Within a few minutes the amount of hate and “bro that so gay” texts I got was shocking to me and a little hurtful. How is my sexuality determined by a piece of metal in my nose? How is my fashion statement an open doorway to spit out homophobic remarks? Our society has made it hard for people to express themselves in different ways. To the point where any hint of being original or different will have you shunned.

Most people have art, music or some other hobby to express themselves from everyday life, but for me its clothes and fashion. My style is based off of london and british bloggers who have inspired my sleek dark look. Sadly, for years I had to dress down in order to hang out with my male friends because of the homophobic remarks I would receive. The more they made fun of me the more I wanted to spread my wings and express myself, but I was scared. I didn’t want to lose my friends or be outcasted because I was different. See my entire life I struggled fitting in because my mentality, perspectives and of course sense of style was out of the norm for most people. I couldn’t risk losing a few friends that I did have just because I wanted to be expressive, so for years I just blended in. I didn’t style my hair or beard a certain way because of harsh comments. I didn’t wear certain clothes because i would stick out too much around those friends. Maybe around my last semester of college I decided to be who I am and just wear whatever I please and I did exactly that. Pretty soon I changed my hairstyle, beard and got an ear piercing. I got the “Bro thats gay” comments but I loved how I looked so It didn’t bother me. I guess through all the backlash my life long friends gave me I started developing thicker skin, so stupid comments do not pierce through me. Which is why I ended up getting my nose piercing done. I knew the harsh comments would come my way but I didn’t want to think back at my life and regret the things I didn’t do because I was scared of someone else’s opinions. The fact of the matter is that we get one shot at life but we ruin it because we spend our entire lives fitting into the mold others have put together of us.

Clothes, hair, and jewelry do not determine someone’s sexuality and even if it did, spitting out homophobic slurs is never okay. I used to know this guy back in my university who wore pink cheetah print shirts and bedazzled pants. I wasn’t open to being friends with him but through a group project I realized how nice of a human being he was. A few weeks later I saw him with his girlfriend, walking hand in hand. See the beauty about self expression is that somewhere along the line you will find someone as crazy, wild and absurd as you. Think about it. If that guy never expressed himself, would he have found that girl? Would he be so carefree, happy and enjoying the beauty of love? Maybe he would but it would definitely not be with that girl who saw that part in him.

All these years I was scared to express my own sense of style so I was attracting all the wrong types of friends and girls. So what started off as a sexy new relationship quickly went down in flames because I found them to be bland and boring. That was until I became comfortable in my own skin, hair and clothes, which is why I finally attracted the right girl who saw my exterior and wanted to understand the inside a little more. She encourages me to do all the wild crazy styles I ever wanted to and I promote her doing crazy hair colors and different styles of makeup. I mean who knows maybe I’ll highlight the tips of my hair platinum this summer, and if gay means I have a killer fashion sense and piercings then hey I’ll take it because my girlfriend loves every bit of it.

Concrete Roads

Broken Concrete Wall

“Jab dard mein yaar na ho”

Life has its mysterious ways of showing you the top of the mountain and then suddenly dropping you to the bottom. That drop from the mountain is usually painful, lonely and causes a major shift in your character.

For a few weeks now i’ve been noticing this sudden drop in my emotions. I don’t laugh and I don’t feel pain as much. For me to let any emotions “out” I have to watch something super sad or listen to some sappy Bollywood songs. This feeling within is like a concrete layering over every single emotion in the world. What I do know is that this is not healthy and as much as I want to blame life, some of the blame goes on me.

My biggest flaw is not reacting the right way when I have the time. For example, if a death happens in the family, I probably wouldn’t cry. Instead I would hold it in for 3-4 weeks and then drown in my own emotions. For some odd reason I feel like i have to be strong for everyone, but in the end I am the one suffering without a shoulder to lean on. The best way to explain this emotion of suffering is like putting a 50 pound bag of concrete on your chest. It’s constantly there but I have no where to drop this bag of concrete, so I end up feeling mentally and physically exhausted. I just want to get up and toss this damn bag of concrete somewhere, but the question remains, where? I need a break and just want to go somewhere where It’s quiet around me and in my mind.

I’m on a road that is making me go in circles through very noisy and cluttered places. Sadly, I have to travel on this road alone because nobody else will take out the time to understand my journey or ask me how I am doing. The reality is jab dard mein yaar na ho then why would anyone else help? Its my pain and whether I have to cry it out or laugh it out, I will. Being a man has nothing to do with how much you cry but rather understanding your own emotions. It’s about climbing back up to that mountain that you fell from, but this time around you will have a few battle scars that made you stronger in the process.

 

Burn Your Ships

burnships.jpg“The same love you give to people is not the same love you get back”

An old friend of mine once told me that life is like a boomerang; what you throw at it, is what you get back. I agreed with her at the time because it made complete sense to me, but now after my personal life experiences, not so much.

So I ask you, have you ever had unconditional love for someone? When all you wanted was the best for them and for them to be happy, no matter what they did? Their happiness meant so much that if they needed you, you would drop the world for them? If you said yes to the questions above you will understand what I’m about to talk about.

No matter how busy I was, I always made time for every single friend I had in my life. I truly loved all of my friends and wanted to be around for them just in case one of them needed me. Whether it was a break up, family issues, or something as simple as spilling coffee all over their favorite shirt. I always tried to help my close friends in any way, shape, or form because I knew when the time came they would do the same for me. Or so I hoped.

As I said earlier, what you throw at life is what life throws back at you. The boomerang I threw at my friends was love, understanding, compassion and unconditional support. The boomerang I got back, however, was the complete opposite from what I expected. Of course I spilled coffee on myself, I walked into a pole and even fell in public all of which my friends were always there for; until my life took a twist of fate. Suddenly I looked around and never felt more alone in my life. The same people I called my brothers, the same people I would drop the world for, were now suddenly unwilling to drop a party for me, or just text me and see if I’m okay.

With all I was going through, I figured eventually that boomerang would come back with my friends, because this time I needed them. This time I needed a friend, i really did need to go out; but this time, the people I needed no longer needed me. That was a tough pill to swallow but I had to accept the truth. My hard times and downfall were my own problems and nobody else could help me, besides me.

Since a lot of what I went through was alone I often found myself feeling scared and on a hill that had no end. On such days I’d sit on the floor with my back against my bed and would look up at my office chair. I always had a flashback to my father sitting on that very chair, while I sat on the ground as he told me a story. One specific story I remembered a few days ago was about a king who was unable to capture an area of land. The only thing that held the king back from capturing the land, was his own fear and hesitations. He figured that all of his old ways didn’t work so he had to change up his game plan. This time around, he got on his ship with the rest of his soldiers and told them to burn the ships once they got to the island. The soldiers looked at the king with confusion because obviously they needed those ships to get back if the opposing army was stronger. The king then told them, “If we don’t burn our ships, we will run back just like we did last time”. He explained to them, “We can’t have a safety net this time, our only way out is to keep marching forward”. After days of battle, the king and his army were tired, in pain, and aching but they did what they set out to do; they conquered the land that they wanted.

While sitting on my room’s floor I remembered what my father told me and I felt like he was really on that chair, just like he used to whenever he wanted to give me a quick life lesson. As a kid, I thought it was a cool story but now I understood what my father was trying to explain to me. I have to burn my ships and keep marching forward, no matter what people or life throw my way.

Be careful of where and to whom you throw your boomerang. You may not always like the boomerang you get back.

The Blossom Effect

 

tumblr_n7kky28qml1slixf5o1_500

“I blossomed before you and you stopped growing as a whole”

Mistakes of all forms happen and heartaches happen at different magnitudes, but Imagine hearing that from the person you were supposed to marry. I always remember telling her she is my sidekick, my day 1 and wife. We weren’t married and just had the title of boyfriend and girlfriend, but I wanted to do everything with her. Not that I was unable to do it alone, but simply because her being with me, made everything better. There was not a snapchat she didn’t send my way that I didn’t take a screenshot of. There was not a dinner where I didn’t sneak a picture of her. There wasn’t much I didn’t take a picture of because I wanted to hold those memories. Unfortunately, through the process I lost touch with me and my world became her happiness. So naturally, I stopped growing from the inside out. Yes, I figured out my style of clothing and starting smiling more, but that was really about it. Whereas now when I look back at the pictures I can tell the exact moment in time where she lost touch with me. I can tell the exact moment in time where she blossomed and I was the same guy she met. Maybe it’s good thing or maybe it’s a bad thing, i have no idea how to feel about it. I have just come to accept the fact that she blossomed before me.

The unfortunate thing about toxic relationships is it leaves its scars on you permanently. You can move on, you can grow and be different but something about that toxicity, stays with you. The easy way is to blame her, but as a man I have to admit both of us together just didn’t work. I had to swallow my pride and accept the fact that I didn’t do enough to keep her around. I simply became boring and stagnant.

The first year was difficult in all forms because I had to adjust myself to doing things alone. I had to be okay with her doing her own thing or with friends, instead of me. I had to face the truth of me being the same guy as the first day she met. I had not grown in any way, so I really had two options? one , I could drown in my own pain and sorrow(which I was already doing). Two, I could start a new chapter in my life and never hear this ever again.

It’s been two-three years now and those words ring in my ear whenever I relax. Those words help wake me up at 5 am to start the day with pedal to the metal. I have taken out the word tired from my dictionary. I have stopped with relying on others to join me on adventures, if anything I love my alone time. I probably have grown the most this year than ever before because 90% of things I have done all alone.

I was sitting with my father one day and he told me a story about an eagle that wouldn’t fly. The eagle would just sit on a tree branch all day even though it had the ability to fly. The owner then decided to cut off the entire branch and the eagle immediately started to fly. Just as this eagle I was meant to soar but she was my branch and my comfort zone. I held on to her for dear life  because I was too scared to fly and now that I am soaring, I only want to go higher. I only want to try new things and be the best version of myself. If you are in this predicament, i’m telling you, cut off that branch. You can love someone without limits but the day you become stagnant and stay in your comfort zone is the day you will hear what I did. I promise you. The day you start doing things alone, is the day new doors will open for you.