The Last Text

Her name popped back up on my phone after so long. My stomach did flips, my heart sank and my breathing became shallow. The one person who knew every aspect of my life was asking me “how I am doing”. My old love, best friend and someone who knew exactly “how I was doing” by the way I texted is now a stranger.

Today when she asked that I wanted to say so much but all I did was apologize if I ever did her wrong and she also apologized. It was way too formal but it needed to be done because my last conversation ended in a “fuck off”. My last memory of her was a few below the belt hits. I just wanted to change that so when in the future I look back I have this conversation too look at instead of the old ones.

The hardest thing in life is to face yourself because you have to come toe to toe with your own flaws and problems. Pointing fingers is the easy way out but once things ended I had no choice but to admit where I was wrong. Like any human I tried filling the voids through hanging out with friends, shopping or acting happy but that’s not how things work. If you are sad just get it out of your system and face the internal pain you have. My method was eating very unhealthy and doing reckless things but I soon realized that was really bad for me. Instead I woke up one morning and decided its time to workout and use this internal pain towards something positive.

When I first started working out I would use her name to bring out this rage within me to workout harder. As time went on and when the pain slowly left from within me I realized I have no reason to be mad at her. We were two amazing people who just grew apart due to various reasons and that’s perfectly fine. That doesn’t mean life stops or the world is against me. It simply means we have to work on ourselves and be the best version of ourselves before we love someone else.

While my heart raced to the sight of her name on my phone I texted her saying.

I just want you to know I have no hard feelings, anger or things against you. In every prayer I pray for you to be happier even if it’s not with me:) “

After that small conversation with her I felt as if I was still in love because of how I was feeling on the inside but I realized something. Our story ended a while ago and it would be stupid of me to turn back a few pages and reread them. I already know where the story will lead me. Love is so much more than the heart racing or reminiscing on all the good times two people shared. I loved her at one point but this wasn’t love it was just an old attachment. I can finally say I broke that attachment today and didn’t go flipping through our story expecting a different outcome.

Break ups and heartbreaks are a sad part of life that we go through. No amount of advice makes it easier but here are a few small tips to make things a little easier.

  • Of course see your family, friends and take part in your hobbies but spend time alone and figure out how you feel.
  • Once you figure out your feelings you have to face your flaws and take steps to become a better individual.
  • Forgive someone if they did you wrong and apologize if you did them wrong.
  • Start working out because it helps you feel so much better mentally and physically
  • Understand the difference between lust, love and attachment because it will come in handy for the next person that comes along.
  • Go out, travel, have fun and don’t be scared to meet new people
  • The Female population on earth is 6,895,889,018 and the male population is 3,477,829,638. I promise you will find someone who clicks with you on every level.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Conversation

 

It was 11:51pm while we were sitting on my deck when my friend Ayesha asked me why she doesn’t know much about me.

All I could say was “I’m not a open book and I don’t share much with many people besides the positives. My internal struggles are always within me and my history is a thing of the past that I don’t bring up. It takes a lot of time for someone to know the real me, ummm I would say only two people really know who I am.”

She was a little surprised but then explained to me very nicely that solid friendships are made through talking and sharing stories. I just nodded in agreement so I wouldn’t have to say much.

I’m sure Ayesha noticed I was not going to tell her about me so she looked at me with excitement and said, “Here look, I will go first” and started talking. I had no choice but to listen because Ayesha loves to talk and by talk I mean she has no brakes. The good thing is that her excitement with every story keeps you interested. Through the excitement and her love to talk I was able to learn so much about her personality, past, relationship history and views on love.

Ayesha hit the brakes on her conversation, looked over at me and said “Now you!”. I knew I wouldn’t get out of this so I took a deep breath and starting glazing over a few minor details. Then she interrupted and said “No, that’s lame! Try again!” so I restarted my story and told her every fine detail. When it came time for the topic of my past I got quiet, looked down and then away from her. I remember whispering, “I fucking hate talking about my past”. She heard me and said, “hey its okay we all have a past just let it out of your system”. I took a deep and said, “I no longer believe in the idea of dating or wasting my time on a relationship because nothing really works. Whenever things go good somehow and somewhere along the line the relationship fails”. Before she could say anything I told her I think I have a problem and she pulled her chair closer and waited for me to talk. “No matter how good someone is to me now I always find the smallest of all flaws and pull away from the person”. I saw the pain in her eyes and a sense of understanding after I said this.

She pulled her chair even closer, took a deep breath and said “I think you’re afraid of getting hurt and letting yourself be broken so you wreck the relationship before it could wreck you”

My heart rate slowed down, my pupils got bigger and just looked at her with complete shock. I felt as if the ground under me fell through because it was the most intimidating thing I have ever heard about myself.

Ayesha didn’t talk this time and she didn’t push me to say anything. I just looked out in the distance and avoided eye contact.

With all the talking we lost track of time. Her iPhone buzzed 4-5 times because of texts and instagram notifications. She looked over at me and said “kay…its 4:27am” so in a panic she grabbed her keys and I walked her to her car.

Once I made it back into my room I thought about my conversation with Ayesha and it made me think all night long. The reality is that Ayesha was right about me and that’s what scared me. Another reality I faced was I couldn’t be a coward and run away from a human necessity such as love because of a few broken pasts. Lastly, our pasts may be rough, broken and intimidating but that’s part of our journey to know what we want and do not want.

The clock read 6:57am and I finally fell asleep with so many thoughts still racing in my mind

Before you decide to shut out people as I did and pull yourself away from everything besides work, gym and a few friends. Give someone a chance; even as a friend because you never know what a friendship can blossom into.

Are you mad I lied?

            “Are you mad that I lied or because you realized who I actually am deep down inside?”

I told them this because I was tired of hiding behind the mask of something I was not. I was tired of pretending to be happy about shit that didn’t mean anything to me. The crazy thing is how I knew from a very young age I’m different like really different from my family and relatives. Yet I still pretended everyday and tried to fit in and see the world as my family did but I couldn’t. I come from a family where education is huge. Naturally I felt I had to become a doctor or businessman to make them happy. I even went to college but struggled to sit through lectures and getting good grades but in the end with hard work I got my psychology degree. I even got into a masters program for the fall 2017 semester but I was dry and empty from the inside. I had so much accomplished but so much was missing.

Fast forward to present time and I have a year left before my masters program starts. Currently I am taking care of the family business because after all “I will have to take care of it in the future”. I sucked at every task when I started but at this point “I’m running it better than most professionals”

            “I bet you love the business huh? You are a natural and pretty soon you will be running everything!”

My stomach sank to this but I couldn’t speak up, I just smiled back and nodded with agreement. I think years of just being quiet and agreeing was slowing boiling within me because I just wanted them to see my perspective sometimes.

            “Kay we are so proud of you for learning everything so fast and maintaining a high standard for our family business”

Once again another smile or smirk was given and once again I stayed quiet because If this was the way to make them proud then why not? That was until I said, “NO please stop”. The entire room froze in standstill and they asked me 50 questions as to what happened.

“I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life, I don’t want to live out your dreams”. “If anything I will run one part or one area but I can’t and I won’t run a business forever because it’s not me man”. At this point I couldn’t turn back and fix what I said so I kept talking. “I want to be a writer and I want to write for a magazine or work for a creative outlet”.

This time it was silence but it was able to say the most

The next day during breakfast they tried to reason with me and explain to me why business is the best option. I agreed with so much they said but I wanted to try and see where writing would take me. I could see some disappointment on their faces but I realized I had to reach my dreams and my goals because I have no doubt in my mind I can reach them.

“Mom…..Dad, “Are you mad that I lied about liking the same things as you or because you realized who I actually am deep down inside?”

            I sat quietly when I heard my dad clear his throat and I saw a smile on his face. Then he said, “You better start studying for your GRE because you need to go apply for a journalism program”

I quickly called the speech pathology masters program and told them “Thanks but no thanks”. I didn’t cry or anything I just had a lot of allergies that day because I was finally running after something that made me who I am.

Biryani

Two days ago I was at a South Asian restaurant and I ordered my favorite dish called Biryani. It’s a pretty straightforward dish, which includes, rice, chicken and some of the most amazing seasonings to bring the entire dish together. Usually you pair it with cucumber raita (yogurt) because it helps tame the spices.

As I sat at my booth waiting for my food I started to people watch and saw many different relationships blossom in front of me. A middle-aged couple with kids, a couple that was showing excessive amount of affection and lastly an older couple behind me. The older couple and the new couple looked visibly happier than the middle age couple with kids. The lady was on her phone and the man was just not interested in anything. The smell of food was in the room and many different stages of love were clearly visible to the naked eye.

After 15 minutes my food came to the table and I quickly grabbed my fork (yes I eat rice with a fork). I looked at the plate and realized whoever thought of this dish is a freaking genius because its literally just rice and chicken mixed together but somehow with the right ingredients it all works together.  As cheesy or corny as it may sound this recipe is comparable to a relationship.

White rice by its self is okay (if you don’t have taste buds) and chicken with out seasoning is decent. Instead if you mix those two together with the right amount of ingredients it makes the entire dish come together in harmony. This same philosophy is applicable to relationships. Without the proper “seasoning “ such as teamwork, compatibility, trust and a proper foundation made of friendship the relationship wont blossom. Whether you are cooking biryani or working on a relationship we need to keep one thing in mind. Every now and then we need to find ways to keep the relationship new and fresh such as the plate of food I had on my table.  By no means am I a relationships guru or a chef but at one point in my life I had failed as a lover and as a man I didn’t spice my relationship enough to keep it hot and fresh such as the middle aged man at this restaurant .